Sherridan Hughes

Is Perfectionism Ruining Your Career?

Many of my clients are perfectionists who take life very seriously and want to check and confirm that they are on the right track. At a recent conference, I mentioned how perfectionism can hold people back and half the audience were smiling knowingly and nodding their heads!!! Perhaps you know a perfectionist; perhaps you are one yourself? Often a perfectionist will have an equally perfectionist, extra successful and/or critical parent, for whom they never felt good enough; they may have had an absent parent, whose attention they were seeking through high achievement; alternatively, they may simply be living up to the family reputation of 'the good one' or 'the clever one'.

Perfectionism has implications for work

Perfectionists like clear objectives, rules and tangible outcomes which enable them to feel confident of doing a good job and which confirm success (e.g. counselling might appeal as a career, but this could prove too subjective and results too hard to measure). Impressive image, titles and salary may be appreciated as validation of success and worth. Perfectionists do not like to delegate for fear that others will not maintain their own high standards and they can be seen as micro-managing control freaks. That said, they do like to have a mentor or team off whom to bounce ideas and with whom to check and confirm their thinking and they may prefer the 'number two' role. They can shoot themselves in the foot in their desire to do well, (one lawyer giving 110% realised that clients really only wanted to pay fees for 80% effort as long as this did 'a good enough' as opposed to 'perfect' job!).

Recruiters should be aware that perfectionists do not always do well on aptitude measures and assessments. It is obvious really, but clearly someone who checks and double checks answers is going to complete fewer questions and score less highly! This needs to be taken into account when assessing ability. In work, they may be trying to be thorough and accurate but may actually be irritatingly pedantic and unproductive (their boss may just want them to 'get on with it' rather than keep pestering for confirmation and positive feedback).

Perfectionism contributes to stress

Although very keen to prove themselves, perfectionists tend to burn out (workaholic tendencies) or opt out due to fear of failure. Many an Oxbridge graduate leaves with 'straight A' academic achievements and first class honours and then suffers under the burden of feeling compelled to live up to this previous success!! Ten years down the line they may be driving a van or temping still!! Proper career counselling can prevent this through providing the best guarantee possible that they will 'win' if they run in the race and take that well-matched path.

Perfectionists set very high and sometimes unrealistic standards for themselves and perhaps for those around them. They self-flagellate and nit-pick over minor mistakes. This all leads to high levels of stress (added to the stress of increased workload through not delegating and not saying 'No' when asked to take on yet more). They may think negatively and decry their own achievements ('anyone could do that!), and they make be reluctant to appear weak and to ask for help when required.

It can be bad to be too good!

In addition, perfectionists are often people pleasers, keen to be thought 'nice' and to not cause offence. This can lead to an overly deferential style and a fear of confrontation or conflict. They can spend their lives constantly pleasing others and never pleasing themselves!

Finally, perfectionists can be idealists with high moral codes. They may for example be vegetarian and disparaging of meat eaters. They may work hard to help others, beating themselves up in moments of (only human) selfishness or weakness. They may be constantly sickened, upset and disappointed by the world. Consequently, they may prefer to work with things, which further benefit from being more controllable and predictable!

If you are a perfectionist, you no doubt need to lighten up, have more fun, laugh, recognise when you are going too far and understand that Excellence is more realistic than Perfection!!!

Dealing with Perfectionism

Balance, Moderation and Compromise

Perfectionists resist change and find all manner of excuses why they cannot or should not change their behaviour right now! They associate balance with being sidetracked from their goals, moderation with mediocrity, and compromise with defeat. Anything less than striving single-mindedly and flawlessly will prevent achievement and result in disaster or loss! Perfectionists want guarantees of success and changes in behaviour do not offer predictable results. They need to recognise their self-defeating behaviours and to determine to think and behave differently.

- Concentrate on the here and now, not on the past. Think positively about what behaviours may work better for you now
- Do not expect to lose perfectionist habits overnight
- Do not see difficulties in changing as yet another reason to self-flagellate
- Reward yourself for making progress. Focus on successes and reward yourself and celebrate, perhaps even making a list of positive reinforcers and rewards as part of your program for being less of a perfectionist.
- Give your new approach a chance to work even if uncomfortable and scary at first. However, if you feel extremely ill at ease or if it fails to work, try and focus on a different approach or element of behaviour.

1. Envisage a well-balanced life

A well-balanced life can make one feel sufficiently positive and provide enough self-esteem-enhancing habits and thought patterns to make perfectionism unnecessary and to feel good about oneself the way one is.

Think back to when you felt relaxed and confident with no real self-imposed pressure to achieve. You will probably find that most of the following ingredients were present:

- Productivity
- Recognition
- Learning
- New experiences and risk-taking
- Unstructured time and activities
- Fun
- Solid relationships (friends or family)
- Intimacy
- Physical health
- Helping or listening to others
- Receiving emotional support
- Freedom and control
- Order
- Clarity
- Self-worth

As a perfectionist, you will have probably been focusing strongly on a few of the above, while neglecting others, resulting in a skewed existence deplete in pleasures and energy replenishers which would enable you to feel safe, secure and worthwhile. The more anxious, insecure and doubtful about your worth you feel, the more you are likely to place emphasis on those elements on which you are already placing emphasis!

Chose three of the above list which you would prefer to have more of and three to which you would like to devote less time. Note: these are not 'should, must or have-tos'; one of the reasons that you spend so much time trying to be productive, obsessing about your health, or relentlessly trying to control others and to create order etc. is because you think that is what you are meant to do! Think instead about peace of mind, serenity and positive self-image. These are not must-achieve goals or criticisms of your current life-style but visions to help develop a strategy and resist the temptation to revert to old perfectionist habits. They are personal to you.

2. Take more risks

Fear of failure or ridicule is the biggest obstacle for perfectionists (who by definition want to be flawless) when it comes to change and risk. Thus, conquering fear is the first step to personal development and growth. It is unlikely that you will succeed on first attempt, but it is so true that every failure is a learning experience leading to subsequent success. Realising that fear of certain opportunities to venture into new territory has been self-defeating is a great liberation. 'Feeling the fear and doing it anyway' is the only way to win.

Look back at new situations and risks which you have taken in the past (learning to drive, for example). Who helped you, encouraged you or shared the experience? Did you prepare through prior reading or training (perfectionists like to know the rules and feel prepared)? Did you visualise yourself doing it? Did you creep up on it gently? Consider drawing on this in the future.

List risks you would like to take (e.g. joining a gym although embarrassed about your physical shape). Then tackle them one at a time and practice with the less threatening, challenging and anxiety producing first. Celebrate every risk taken, even when not an unqualified successes (remember the old cliché 'It is better to try and fail than never to try at all'). How gratifying it will be to face the fear and discover what you can really achieve if you only give yourself the chance!

3. Have more fun

Taking life too seriously and focusing on competing and achieving may be preventing you from enjoying life and having fun. You may talk yourself out of trying pleasurable activities because you may not excel in these or further your goal. Some things are more crucial and some you will excel at, but others may still be worth doing! It is important to lighten up and relax if you are to be on top form.

List ten things you used to enjoy but have let slip while relentlessly striving. Then add ten things which you have fancied to try. Finally, consider ten things which you are unlikely to have talent for but which you might enjoy anyway. Just do some of the thirty things without attempting to justify them (I have been working hard and deserve a reward) or trade them off (I shall make up the time tomorrow). Do not evaluate performance, just focus on the delights of the activity itself. No-one is likely to judge you and they may even like you more if you mess up at times and show your human side!

4. Revive your sense of humour

As a perfectionist you are likely to take things too seriously. Ask friends to point out the funny side of your predicament. Watch funny films and comedians with others (laughter is contagious). Learn to laugh at yourself rather than cringing or self-flagellating.

5. Manage time

Learning to manage time and workload are effective factors in controlling stress, which in itself can impact productivity and performance. Planning reduces stress, but remember that the best plans are flexible and may be changed, and a plan is only as good as the person using it.

Analyse your use of time:

1a) On what do you spend most of your time?
b) Should this be your core activity?

2a) How much time are you devoting to your primary responsibilities?
b) Is this proportionally correct? If not, what might you do about it?

3a) How much time are you devoting to your secondary activities?
b) Is this proportionally correct? If not, how might this be remedied?

4a) How much time are you devoting to activities outside of your job specification?
b) How might these be eliminated?

5a) What proportion of your day is unplanned?
b) Could such work be planned?

6a) What proportion of your day is devoted to planned uninterrupted time?
b) Is this appropriate? If not, what can be done?

7) Do you spend a disproportionate amount of time moving between venues? How could logistics be improved?

8) If movement is unplanned, how could it be planned?

9) Is productivity affected by location? How might you make maximum use of most productive places?

10a) How much time is spent fetching tea/coffee, smoking, or in the toilet? Is this a reasonable proportion of the day?

11) Which activities are taking too long? Are you being overly perfect?

12) Which activities might be delegated, and where might others assist?

13a) At which times of the day are you at your most productive?
How might you ensure that you undertake most demanding tasks at most productive times?

Prioritise:
1. What do you do that is urgent?
2. When could you do these things to make best use of your time?
3. What should you do which is important?
4. When could these be done to make the most of your time?
5. What do you need to stop doing?
6. How will you ensure that people and events do not steal the time you have allotted for important t asks?
7. What help might you need to achieve this? How will this be attained?

Perfectionist habits will be stealing your time. Take it back. Once your priorities are clear, allow nothing other than a top-priority obligation to take precedence over things you want to do for your health and wellbeing.

Reduce pressure by:

o Applying the Pareto Principle to your tasks: 20% of the tasks will generate 80% of results. Identify those tasks and make them priority.

o Distinguishing between urgent tasks (crisis, unplanned, demands) and important tasks (achieve your prime objectives, give you maximum return for effort).

o Being selective. Not all tasks need 'polishing'.

o Planning uninterrupted time. Divert your phone. Make it known that you are unavailable.

o Saying 'no' to urgent requests, interruptions and unreasonable demands.

o Planning to do the most demanding task when you are at your peak.

o Setting realistic deadlines for tasks and sticking to them. When necessary, renegotiate deadlines as soon as possible.

o Working together. If you have the authority, delegate. Alternatively, think about asking others for help. Who would do your job if you were away?

Try the WHY, WHY Technique:

Whether the problem is underload or overload, why is this an issue at all? What is the real problem? To avoid providing excuses as opposed to reasons, use the 'Why, Why' Technique. This involves asking 'Why?' repeatedly until you reach the real problem.

Example:

I am in work overload.
Why?
Because I have too much to do.
Why?
Because I never have a chance to finish anything these days.
Why?
Because people keep interrupting me.
Why?
Because they need advice.
Why?
Because I am the one who delegates work to them.

So, if you were to improve your delegation skills, the problem would be solved? Perfectionists are reluctant to delegate for fear that others will not do things properly and they can be reluctant to ask for help for fear of appearing weak or incompetent.

Once the real problem has been identified, effective solutions can be found, and pressure might then be reduced.

1. Identify the real problem. Search for the reasons, not excuses. Write down the real problem.
2. How would greater assertiveness help?
3. What could be done to balance the tasks?
4. How could deadlines be employed to balance workload?
5. How could teamwork help?
6. How could talk help to balance workload?

Focus on the task and not on past failings or mistakes, or possible future catastrophes! Picture yourself physically placing such unproductive thoughts on a shelf to consider later should you so wish.

6. Relax

Perfectionists rarely do nothing and when they do sit down they are likely to be overwhelmed with worry and then perhaps more anxious than before! Active relaxation or meditation can leave you more refreshed and alert than a nap which can result in lethargy. Many self-help books detail how to progress from complete physical relaxation to mental relaxation, envisaging yourself in a secret resting place and planting positive messages and thoughts in your subconscious ("I am happy and calm, with the serenity to accept what I cannot change, and the courage and strength to change what I can").

7. Visualise and Affirm

Many of the visual pictures and messages which a perfectionist sends to him/herself will be negative, self-critical and anxiety-provoking, furthering his/her self-defeating and distorted thinking and counter-productive behaviour. Thus it is important to learn to send more realistic and positive messages to the unconscious.

You can choose which images to send. Imagine yourself in situations in which you are winning or succeeding, or happy and serene. Give your movie a plot and rerun it repeatedly, particularly when faced with an anxiety provoking situation.

Develop mantras or mental statements to face specific problems or new challenges, or to counteract self-criticism and low self-esteem. Effects are particularly positive when physically and mentally relaxed. Do not use negative language (e.g. say to yourself 'I am calm and strong', not, 'I will not be afraid'). This may feel like lying but you cannot be and act these things until you truly believe it. Say 'I am' not 'I must be'. Repetition will result in an attitude change positively impacting conscious thoughts and actions.

8. Socialise

Leave your fault-finding at home; no-one is perfect!

- Think of friends relatives who you like to hear from. Phone them for a change and suggest doing something.
- Accept invitations from colleagues
- Volunteer (unless a moral perfectionist doing too much already!)
- Take courses
- Join a gym or exercise class
- Involve yourself in school or church activities
- Join a self-help or support group
- Attend singles functions (if unattached)

Develop tolerance and empathy for others, but don't be a door-mat!
Interpersonal perfectionists can be convinced that no imperfection should go uncorrected and they expect others to appreciate and follow their unsolicited advice and suggestions! Consequently they are often aggrieved, disappointed and aggravated and they will eventually either jump or be pushed!

Make a note to mention an imperfection only if it poses a threat to someone or if asked for your advice or opinion. Create a mental one-to-ten scale of intolerable traits and only mention above a five, gradually letting more and more higher-rated traits go unmentioned with time. Re-label flaws as differences and look at things through the other person's eyes; is there anything to learn about your own behaviour?

To develop empathy, consider a fictional character, stranger in the news or TV personality. As you learn about that person try to consider how they feel, what motivates them, what is the thinking behind the action? When might you have felt similarly? Where your experience is similar, you are likely to better understand their behaviour, even though you may have reacted differently. Perhaps people do not need to be viewed as flawed or in need of your control or advice? Perhaps you do not need to be so constantly in conflict? Perhaps you could even enjoy their company?

Convey empathy by saying things like 'If I were in your shoes I would probably think that too, but.....'. Do not blame or criticise ('It seems that my comment offended you', not 'You are too sensitive!'). Acknowledge that it is only your perception.

9. Trim your goals

Unlike perfectionists, those seeking excellence appreciate that there is no need to be the best, brightest, most meticulous or achievement-oriented at all times and under all circumstances. Sometimes, competence suffices. Sometimes it is good to abdicate and have fun. Sometimes it is better for health and wellbeing to give up! This does not lead to slacking or mediocrity; it merely prevents chronic dissatisfaction, stress and an unbalanced lifestyle. Excellence seekers acknowledge their limitations and set realistic, attainable goals.

- Identify your ideal
- Reality check. Do you have the resources now? How near to this could you get with work? What physical limitations, uncontrollable variables or conflicting obligations could be obstacles? Are these insurmountable? What would you have to sacrifice? What would life be like? I that really what you want?
- Find the bottom line. Based on the same accomplishment and listed realities, describe a sure thing (perfectionists love guaranteed success!); an outcome achievable with minimum effort and sacrifices which you could deem acceptable even if not your ideal scenario. At the same time, perfectionists will always find this bottom line hard to palate.
- Look for the mid-range. Keep your ideals because they provide direction, but consider anything above the bottom line a success. To achieve excellence, your accomplishment will fall in the midrange; it will be realistic because it takes into account limitations and circumstances; it should be reasonable because it involves no superhuman striving or sacrifices; and it will be a success calling for your best effort but minimal personal cost.

Consider also the process, e.g. how you are going to lose weight, not how much weight you intend to lose; and the individual steps, rewarding your progress and stopping every few pounds to ask whether you really want and need to move further toward your ideal.

10. Stop taking on Obligations and Start Making Choices

Not only are you likely to set impossible standards for yourself, but you are likely to accept impossible demands from others whose approval you seek. Rather than doing what you think you must, ask yourself what you are actually doing. Think of several obligations you are currently trying to fulfil and then write associated statements, e.g. I ought to phone my aunt more often. Question each statement: Why should you? What/who makes you think you should? What do you believe will happen if you do not? If you did not feel obligated, would you choose to do it?

Write a pros and cons analysis (e.g. benefit of calling; drawback of calling; benefit of not calling; drawback of not calling). Rate each consequence according to how dramatically it will affect you. Add them up and compare. Should the benefits of not doing it outweigh the benefits of fulfilling this obligation, then you know that not doing what you feel you should do may not be the most detrimental course of action and you are then faced with an informed choice. You are in control of the demand.

To reinforce decision-making power and freedom of choice, try to lose 'musts, shoulds and have-tos' from your vocabulary, replacing them with 'I can, I may want, decide or chose to....'. Acknowledgement of a feeling of obligation in itself highlights that this is not an irresistible force but often guilt-ridden motivation to which you do not have to succumb!

11. Alter Distorted Thought Patterns

Perfectionists are 'mountain out of molehill', 'all or nothing' people. Distorted thought patterns lead to perfectionist habits, low self-esteem and decrying of what may be in truth considerable achievements ('anyone could have done that'). Fortunately such self-defeating beliefs and perceptions can be revised to reflect reality and substituted for more rational and positive thoughts, which in turn changes feelings and behaviour.

Reframing

'Cognitive restructuring' starts with changing your perspective on anxiety-provoking scenarios and viewing them more positively. For example, redundancy may be seen as an opportunity to re-evaluate and for change rather than an obstacle/catastrophe. A mistake is a learning experience. Do not apportion blame but consider how to fix a problem. Do not dwell on why things went wrong but think instead about what you did right, what may now be done and what you would do differently next time.

Revising

Cognitive restructuring involves revising gross generalisations and global indictments. Do not think 'I never do anything right', but 'I am human and sometimes make mistakes'.

Do not label yourself stupid, ugly, fat, incompetent, boring or a failure. You would most likely not make such cruel and unrealistic comments to a friend so why say them to yourself? Comment on your behaviour instead, e.g. 'I did something stupid', which leaves open the opportunity to behave more sensibly next time.

Replacing

All too often a perfectionist's self-critical and negative thoughts and self-fulfilling perceptions reiterate messages from those closest in the past, whether you model yourself on them or you incurred their wrath. Not only were such thoughts inappropriate in your youth, but as an experienced, resourceful and skilled adult, with freedom and self-empowerment, they are now even less apt.

Using visualisation and affirmation as previously described, your 'old tapes' can be replaced with more current, realistic, encouraging and positive words. Consider your positive attributes, good points, strengths and talents and write a list (perfectionists often find it difficult to think of positives, so have someone help!) Pin this list over your bed and read it aloud daily! Read them again when feeling challenged or insecure. Concentration and repetition is vital for internalisation and the forming of new mental habits.

Find a few slogans, quotes and motivational statements which inspire and counteract old beliefs, e.g. 'a path is a path - if you do not like the one you are on, try another; To err is human, to forgive divine; Winners expect to win in advance. Life is a self-fulfilling prophecy; The man who believes he can do something is probably right, and so is the man who believes he can't.'

12. Keep a journal

Reframing, revising and replacing is easier when thoughts are overt and spoken or written down. Perfectionists like tangible, visible subject matter. Writing is calming when worried and the fears are moved from your head to the page where they are easier to face, more controllable and less overwhelming.

List (perfectionists love lists!):
- Positive feedback received
- Everything done and accomplished that day
- Activities enjoyed and those which appeal (try to incorporate some in your life)
- Risks taken
- Consider an opinion which you hold strongly and act as devil's advocate.
- Write short stories about your being all you want to be.
- Write dialogue between your positive and negative self, or between you and someone with whom you find it hard to talk.

13. Stop Catastrophising

Perfectionists live in fear of failure, criticism, rejection, abandon and ridicule and this is all the more powerful because past failures are projected into future worst case scenarios! The merest hint of a negative consequence becomes a nightmare vision of impending doom! Such distorted thinking can create intolerable stress or paralysis, or could lead to compulsive and controlling behaviours habitually used to deal with anxiety.

- Catastrophise freely. Consider the worst case scenario in all its gory detail (you were going to anyway!)
- Reality check. Writing it down should bring realisation of its absurdity! (Failing to close one deal is not going to result in your becoming a homeless bag lady, sleeping on the park bench!) Have a good laugh. However, there may be a grain of truth in your nightmare and your catastrophes are likely to be magnifications of the consequence (not closing that deal may result in less income). Consider any real difficulties or insurmountable consequences.
- Draw up a contingency plan. For perfectionist's, even the remotest possibility of things not going to plan causes palpitations! Fortunately there is nearly always a Plan B and another solution or way to achieve the goal. Through becoming more adaptable and flexible, with openness to impasse or unexpected opportunity and alternatives for dealing with negative consequences you can dramatically reduce anxiety. What can you do in advance (e.g. 'sweeten' the deal to increase the odds for closing it). What can you do at the time and what after the event to limit damage?
- Visualise your plans in action. Mentally walk yourself through ahead of time. This should enable you to find any flaws in your plan as well as reducing stress. Relax and take yourself to your secret resting place and once calm, visualise the scenario you dread, fantasising about it turning out exactly as you want and then with the negative consequence. Picture yourself launching the contingency plan to deal with the present and post effects. If at any point anxiety starts to rise, return to your mental resting place and repeat your visualisation again from the start. It may take a few goes but eventually you will make it all the way through without excessive stress.
- As stated, the only way to conquer fear is to Face it in the Real World. Take a deep breath and do what needs to be done. Prepare yourself, concentrate on previous successes and affirmations and just do it. It may all go according to plan. It will certainly not turn out as bad as you expected and even if you blow it, you will learn from your experience. Having survived a situation which you feared would destroy you, your courage to deal with challenge should increase significantly.
- As a perfectionist, you will always worry, but you could only allow yourself to fret and dwell on things for 30 minutes every evening (in the style of Scarlet from Gone with the Wind, 'I shan't worry about that today, I shall worry about it tomorrow'). By the time that comes, the concerns may have already have sorted themselves or you may even forget that you were supposed to worry during that period. If sufficiently important, you will remember eventually, but then again, perhaps it was no so important after all?

14. Gain Control over Obsessions and Compulsions

- Stop the thought. Imagine a voice shouting 'stop' or a huge stop sign and go back with full attention to what you were doing.
- Write it out. Nagging thoughts can reflect unmet emotional needs. Take some paper and simply write whatever comes to mind; the true source of stress may emerge. If within your power to address the problem, take control and do so at the appropriate time.
- Pass it over. Many issues which perfectionists obsess over are actually beyond their control (e.g. the weather on the day of the fete). All you can do is pass it on to a higher authority (God!). Envisage this concern floating off into the clouds or write it on a slip of paper and place it in your 'obsession box'. If the thought re-emerges, remind yourself it is now someone else's concern and busy yourself with something else.
- Set Time Limits. Most perfectionists spend hours cleaning and organising spotless houses, revising documents over and over, checking calculations ad infinitum, or trying on dozens of possible outfits. Compulsions can prevent them from actually doing what truly needs to be done. Set time limits for how long to spend on obsessive activities and have a schedule for what to do next. Similarly, behaviour you wish to extinguish could again be given a time slot (15 minutes at an appointed hour to check and rearrange etc). Sometimes when that time comes, the urge to rearrange and check will have gone!
- Again, regular use of relaxation, visualisation and cognitive restructuring should address and diminish obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviour.

15. Stop Procrastinating

Procrastination is one of the most self-defeating perfectionist behaviours, because by putting things off one has longer to worry and build up anxiety. Then by leaving less time to complete the task, perfectionists become more fearful of not doing a flawless job. Due to rushing, they then make silly mistakes and put in less than their best work which reinforces feeling of inadequacy and failure (and leads to further future procrastination)!

Some procrastination stems from the premise that there is no point in starting unless there is time to complete the whole thing. Take the opposite approach. Break the task down into small steps and then chip those off one at a time (use a calendar or planner). Pay no further heed to the project as a whole, just attend to each part on schedule.

Alternatively, give yourself a time limit. You do not need to complete the task, you just have to spend ten minutes on it. The time starts when you actually start work, not when you sit down in front of a blank sheet. Stop when the time is up (unless on a roll and you wish to continue or even complete it). If you do not want to start because you may not do a good job, try to do a bad job and you may find that is even harder to do!

Try to understand the driving force behind the procrastination habit and this may be found in your excuses:

- I need more information
- I do not have enough time today
- I am upset and cannot concentrate
- First I have to reorganise my files, lose weight, sort out my relationship.....
- I am not very good at these things
- I'll check and seek more opinions to ensure I am on the right track
- I do not know why I agreed to do this
- How can I do this when I have so many interruptions or no-one will cooperate?
- No-one else puts themself out, why should I?

Mark distorted thought patterns (all or nothing, magnifications, catastrophising). Mark insecurities (low self-esteem, fear of failure). Mark obligations (tasks you did not freely choose and those which convey resentment). Finally, mark avoidance (problems or tasks to distract from anxiety about perhaps not completing the task flawlessly). Use techniques discussed above to combat these and to decide whether this is even a task you wish to accomplish.

16. Repair Your Relationship

Although they may not mean to treat others badly, perfectionists' own anxiety, pessimism, nit-picking, and need to prove themselves, and their insatiable desire for control, order and approval make them overly critical, demanding taskmasters, micro-managers and hypersensitive worriers. Some hover, some dictate, some talk incessantly about what ever they are currently obsessing about. This can result in power struggles and few conflict free and nourishing relationships.

Their behaviour is again self-defeating because what they really seek is supportive, unconditionally-loving relationships. They desperately long to be accepted for who they are, no matter what they do and achieve, or how they look, perhaps because this was not forthcoming in their critical stages of development.

Bring expectations of people to a reasonable and realistic level. Use the goal-trimming technique. Do not expect to control or change others to make them match your own ideal and high standards. Be less critical. Think about your past, did someone harping on build your self-esteem and confidence? Did that pushy, hypercritical individual foster trust, sharing, interdependence and mutual respect? Your behaviour will have revolved around avoiding criticism (being a good girl) and obtaining a few crumbs of approval or affection. Is that what you want for those closest to you?

Ask the following:
Will my criticism serve of any value? Will it strengthen our relationship? Is it a comment to prevent harm to that person or others or simply a comment to maintain my own superiority? Have I mentioned this a dozen times before? Have I tried other ways to bring about a behaviour change and express my dissatisfaction?
If yes, hold your tongue. Tolerate the imperfection or try the 'I have a problem' approach; it often is your problem but this involves the other person in the problem-solving.

At the appropriate moment (not when in the heat of an argument) explain how you feel when the other person engages in that behaviour and ask the person to help find a solution which works for you both. While difficult to accept an alternative solution to your own, remember force has failed in the past and your goal is to solve the problem irrespective of the path taken.

Validate and praise as often as possible. Others may not be meeting your standards but let them know that you value their qualities and appreciate them for who they are.

Relinquish some control. Perfectionists feel they have to make rather than let things happen. Unfortunately their unmet standards and expectations constantly result in bitter conflict, bullying, resentment and blatant or subtle power struggles in both personal and work relationships. People resist being controlled and may even deliberately sabotage your plans.

Identity several things you try to control which are really not that important (e.g. the way your husband cuts the vegetables). One time say nothing and see what happens. With disastrous results you can always step in again.

Identify several things where you could lower your standards or compromise. Could you stop looking over your direct report's shoulder if she agrees to provide progress reports daily? You will be amazed at the time saved and the newfound cooperation from those who used to fight you!

Try sharing control. Take responsibility for a chore on alternate days. On your day you do things your way and the other person is not to criticise or complain and vice versa.

17. Professional help

If all else fails, or simply for mutual support and confirmation that you are on the right track, seek professional help in the form of a counsellor, therapist or careers adviser.